Between a Dom and a hard spot

Ok so I as I said my kinky side is an important side of my life. The first real Dom i served is someone who I hold close to my heart since he was not only my first Dom but my first time bottoming and being a "slave". He is a good guy loves feeding into my fantasies and I love feeding into his. We have only been together twice due to distance. Now that I am in school in NYC it has made the distance further. I love NYC so much and feel like I belong here, I really love the atmosphere and everything about except I feel very isolated.  My program is great and I have made friends but it is still lonely. I keep trying to date but it feels like each time I make plans they fall through. And these are regular date nothing kinky about them. So that has me frustrated. And then I talk to my Dom and he makes me feel happy and safe, he's in control and I have rules and structure which I yearn for, but He's about 300 miles away from me. He said tonight that he would love for us to get a place together and be Master and slave and then boyfriends 2nd, which I would be ok with. But I want to stay in NYC and he doesn't want to be here. So now I'm struggling with the idea of after graduation do I stay in the city which was my plan all along, or do I move back upstate, where my family, and friends are and my Dom. He seems like he would move closer to my home if it were in Upstate NY. But I sold my car and am planning on staying down here and hoping to find a group of friends. He seems to want us together his relationships also aren't panning out. We both feel like a good fit but our life goals and finances are keeping us apart. What to do? I have no idea, I wish there was a way to know the best result. I mean what do I sacrifice? Do I sacrafice my dream of being in NYC and feeling lonely or do I move back to my home town where I have my friends and family and maybe my Dom again. I miss him so much, and yes it's not a a typical relationship but we both love it and all of the kinks it comes with. So as I said between my Dom and a hard (no pun intended) spot.

Anxiety vs Online Dating

Ok so I am trying to put my self out there and I figured online dating. So now I hate 3 profiles on 3 different site, so everyone is like good you're trying.

Yeah TRYING is the key word. The anxiety is crushing. Guy messages me last night we chat for a while, he's kinda slow with his responses which freaks me out to begin with. Cause I am assuming the worst. Which is what I don't really know then he disappeared for the night given it was like 11:30 so I was like maybe fell asleep, so i was able to fall asleep. Woke up this morning no response to my last question. So got up at 10 then was like lets just send hey see if he responds because now I;m convinced he has lost interest in me. Hours later he responds. And then in my head I was like do i respond right away or play it cool and give it sometime or what do i do?

After 15 mins cause I didn't wasn't to seem like I had been waiting for his response, I responded and still have not response like 6 hrs later, granted I think he had a party that he was planning on going to, but I don't really know if it was today or tomorrow. So now I'm panicked thinking I've screwed things up. UGHGUGHUGH I hate this, I overthink every little thing, cause I liked him on the site he messaged me but didn't like me back, what does that mean?

I mean jesus fuck I haven't even met this guy yet and I am already this worked up. This poor guy has no idea what he has gotten himself into. I am such a disaster when it comes to this shit. He seems like a nice guy and I'd like to ask him out to dinner, but how long do I wait, again don't want to be desperate looking or needy. But really i am desperate and needy but I don't want to come off that way.

I know people will say take it easy don't overthink it. It will happen in good time, I'm just tired of waiting and am trying to be proactive.That but they'll also say you need to work on yourself and be happy with yourself and your issues before dating someone. But folks I've been doing that for years and I have made some progress ie: attempting online dating, but at the end of the day anxiety coupled with Borderline is a lethal combination when it comes to social situations so:

One Point for the mental illness team- 0 points for the 20something. FML ;/

WHEN

People say wait

People say not so fast

People say take it easy

People say all in good time

But when

When will it come

When will it arrive

When is the day I’ll get what I want

People say you’re trying to hard

People say it happens when you least expect

People say don’t pressure yourself

People say it’s funny how it works

But when

When will the man I want want me

When will he push me up against the wall and kiss me

When will we be entangled in bedsheets

People say one step at a time

People say enjoy the single life

People say it’s not all it’s cracked up to be

People say don’t force it

But when will I get my man who make me happy

When will I get him

When will he make me laugh or watch me cry

When will I get that partner that fills me up and keeps me going

I just want to know when

When can I stop going to functions alone

When can I just lean on him for support

When can it all work out.

When???

Submission

Ok so as I have said I am exploring lots of different things lately, one thing is BDSM relationships in which I take the role of submissive. Now this entails a lot more than just following orders and submission means different things for different people. One of the people I was serving requested I wrote a paper about obedience which is a huge part of my submission. So here is the paper I wrote...

                Obedience is defined as compliance with an order, request or law; or submission to another’s authority. Obedience can occur on a variety of different levels from a very broad general scale to a much more personal and intimate level.  An example of large scale obedience would be looking at society as a whole, most people are obedient on some level rather it be to the laws of their country, state, or even religion.  These people are not obedient to a specific person, they do not report their infractions to anyone person in particular, though there are people who do enforce these laws, such as police and other government agencies. But unless you are caught and charged with the crime or out of guilt you confess your crimes there is very little chance that you are of facing punishment.  If you look at most people while they follow the major rules we all break a law at some point, rather it be as a kid stealing candy from the local corner shop or as an adult breaking a speed limit, we don’t see these as major infractions because we don’t see the consequences as real and therefore if there is no damage or injury we see ourselves as obedient.  On the other end of the spectrum is a person being obedient to another person. This may sound like it would be easy but it actually is very complex because of the many different facets each relationship has.  In almost every single relationship there is some form of obedience observed, rather that is seen in the relationship of a child following orders from a parent to a person listening to their husband or wife.  We are going to look into the obedience seen in a relationship where love and sex are involved, because this is one of the most complicated but also one of the mosrt rewarding life experiences.

                In every relationship no matter how equal the power balance may seem to the rest of the world there is some sort of power that one person hold over the other.  This I not meant to insinuate a black mail or extortion idea that one person is being held in the relationship but one person usually does hold a little more power.  This may seem cynical and sound scary but some people have already given up some power and they have not even noticed it.  One thing that most people say is that opposites attract, and one reason this occurs is because of power.  If you look at a majority of couples you will notice that there is one person who is relaxed and can roll with the punches and the other is the person who schedules every minute of every day. They need each other to survive they depend on each other, maybe one person really doesn’t care what they have for dinner each night so they offer that power up to the other person.  This is a small way that this person is obedient because they depend on the other person providing the dinner they don’t complain about it because they know if they do they will not eat. I’m not saying that these two should be on completely different pages about life styles and that either should abuses the other’s personality, but there should be some sort of middle ground in these relationships.  But if you look at two people who have very similar personalities this is where problems begin to arise.  If you have two people who are naturally high strung people, this relationship will be littered with fights and arguments because they both want to assert their dominance over the other.  At the same time neither will want to back down from the other because they don’t want to show weakness.  On the flip side if you have two people who are both very carefree there is tension in these relationships as well.  Now you may think what could two people who are carefree possibly have to argue about, well maybe they yearn for someone to put that structure in their lives.  They might need a person who lights a fire under them to get them motivated for life.  Another common relationship that is tumultuous is a relationship where one or both don’t know what role the fit into.  This cause friction because they aren’t sure where they fit into the relationship and they don’t understand what they want or what they need.  If one person enters the relationship believing that they are going to be the dominant personality in the relationship and then they begin to be eclipsed by the other they may end up with hurt feeling and feel resentful of the other person, causing catastrophic results.  These people may not be sure how to try and regain their dominance so they may lash out after they have let these feeling fester for a long time.  This can cause extreme rage and the slightest thing may set them off and they will explode and destroy the relationship.

                When looking at obedience in the BDSM culture I believe that these are actually very healthy relationships.  People may think that because of kinks and different fetishes that they possess they are wrapped and unhealthy but I disagree with these thoughts.  People don’t understand that one person’s kink is the same as another and everyone has their limits, but outside of kinks and fetishes these relationships are very “normal”.  I assert that they are actually healthier that most of America.  One of the most important things that begins and BDSM relationship is a contract and checklist. Now I know people might think well that seems cold and distant and not a good start to romantic relationship but I actually think it is a brilliant way to start.  Like in most standard legal contacts the contract is a document that states what each party is responsible for and what is expect to be done or not done by both.  In BDSM contracts they also cover limits of each person in the relationship, not to say that these limits may evolve or regress over time as they grow together in the relationship.  Again like in corporate life when entering drawing up the contracts and making negotiations both parties are on equal ground, each person has the power to say “yes”, “no” or somewhere in between. During the negotiations is where the power exchange begins.  The submissive begins to willingly give up their power to the dominant. They at this point begin to say this is what I am willing to submit to or what they will not submit to. These negotiations are a vital part of the relationship because it states that from the time we sign the contract I am handing over the power agreed upon in the contracts and I will obey without argument or question, and will do it willingly.  Now being obedient to a Master does not mean you through your entire being out and follow blindly. If you have questions or concerns these should be addressed.  This is what for the negotiations are for so that the submissive can say take me to this point and no further and the dominant will understand and lead them as far as they want to go. If the dominant takes them down a certain path and the submissive decided that they have reached their end point this should be accepted by the dominant. If they get to a point where they are comfortable and want to push further than if the dominant agrees they should take their submissive to that point. Once the negotiations are over the contract is signed the dominant officially become the Dominate in the relationship and the submissive becomes the submissive.  This works because the both parties know what has been agreed upon and what is expect of both of them.  They have also laid out what occurs if either of them breaks the contract. For submissives there is usually some sort of punishment involved, rather that is a physical or emotional punishment will have already been agreed upon.  Again people may be offended by this concept how could consenting adults enter a world where they may be punished if they break rules, but in truth every person in a relationship faces this but the difference is that a submissive will know exactly why they are being punished.  Everybody in a relationship will punish their partner at some point in the relationship, if that mean that they use the most common weapon, the silent treatment or withholding sex. These are all forms of punishment but the difference is if the submissive knows exactly what offense they have committed and it doesn’t become a guessing game.  They won’t have to try and guess why is my loved one mad or sad. This is eliminated by the contract and the submissives willingness to obey it and by being punished and knowing what thye are being punished for actually is healthy, due to the fact that it allows them to grow so they don’t repeat the offense.  Think back to childhood if a child says a bad word and the parent gets mad and employs the silent treatment what is that going to accomplish. But if you put soap in the same child’s mouth I bet they won’t repeat the word because they will remember the punishment. Now by no way am I advocating abusing anyone children or your partner but if it is agreed upon at the beginning of the relationship and there are boundaries on how far these punishments are allowed to go I believe they are an important role in obedience and relationships. 

                Another way the contract serves in a BDSM relationship is it forces what most couples would say are the awkward conversations into the beginning of the relationship and not 6 months down the road when you want to move in together.  Communication is the most important thing in any relationship, and I mean any relationship romantic or otherwise. The contract forces both parties to open up and start on a solid foundation.  Everyone comes with some sort of baggage from their past and this contract forces these issues into the open so they can be dealt with.  This is important for both parties but I believe more so for the submissives in the relationships because they want to serve their Masters to the best of their abilities and if they can’t serve or won’t serve the relationship will not work. They must be obedient from the beginning for the duration of the relationship.    

                Now while it seems like I have essentially made the submissive to seem like an object to be owned and used by the dominant and the dominant holds all of the power in these relationships, this is actually completely false.  While this may be part of the foundation of the relationship and what most people picture in Dom/sub relationships this could not be further from the truth.  Though it seems from everything I have stated that the submissive is the one in total obedience actually the dominant is just as obedient to the submissive.  Again both of them have entered into the contract so they must obey what the contracts outlines for them. Rather that it be that they will be the provider for the relationship or any other arrangement made in the contract.  Also the submissive hold the true power in any scene in the use of a safe word.  The safe word is a word agreed upon both parties that if use the scene will cease at that very moment.  The dominant must obey the use of this word, if not they are violating their contract and they wind up jeopardizing their entire relationship.  The safe word is a submissive’s way of trusting their Dominant to not go beyond their limits and if they fail to comply they destroy that trust.  This means that though in most aspects of life the submissive is the one who is obedient to the dominant in these circumstances it is actually a role reversal and the submissive holds the power card.  A dominant must also remember that they must be obedient to their submissive in respect of health. Not just in the most broad and obvious of sexual health, but also their overall physical and mental health.  A good dominant is aware of how far he or she can push their submissives both physically and mentally.  If they push too hard to fast they may break their submissive, they must know their submissive and know their tolerance for each aspect of training.  So again the dominant is actually being obedient to their submissive because they care for them and their overall health and happiness.  The last power that the submissive holds over their dominant is the ability to leave the relationship.  If the submissive does not feel like they are being fulfilled in any way they always have the right to walk away at any point.  A Dominant never want to lose a slave so they will do their best to make sure that the submissive is happy and healthy and won’t leave them, again making the Dominant the one who is being obedient to the submissive.     

                So as silly as this may sound neither party actually holds all the power in the relationship. Both parties are actually not only being obedient to each other but the contract.  This contract keeps both parties in check and obedient to something greater than themselves, this ensures that they are obedient to each other and their relationship. So while people may see these relationships as one person handing over every ounce of their power to the other person this is not actually the case, it is about being obedient to each other and it is a truly special relationship between dominant and submissive because they are both willing to give something up for each other.  A Dom/sub relationship is very complex at best but it is actually very beautiful display of love and caring for each other. These relationships are not just a signed contract saying “yes to this” and “no to that” it is a living, breathing, evolving expression of love between people.  Handing over control to another person is not something that should be decided on a whim but something that you truly think about and planned out. But it can also be very beautiful and rewarding for both people involved.

No please let me stress these are my views and please please please DON'T DO ANYTHING YOU DON'T WANT. This is a path I have chosen to explore. Remember to be sane safe and consensual :)

Sexuality (my views)

Sexuality is a very big topic on a lot of peoples minds these days and let me shed a little light on how I see them. I really like the idea of the Kinsey scale. I see sexuality in these terms Heterosexual, Homosexual, Bisexual, Homoflexible, Heteroflexible, Pansexual. Now I assume most people are familiar with the first three of the terms BUT the last three are probably newer to most. Let me explain Homo/Heteroflexible- This term comes down to the fact that the person has an affiliation with one group but is not completely turned off by the other. Example me: I like men and women would I say 50/50 (bisexual) Nope doesn't fit me I lean more towards men I'd say about 80/20 split. Now some people will say that makes me Gay. Well to a degree it is not as black and white as everyone thinks. I say that I am homoflexible because the thought of sex with a woman does cause some arousal for me, is it something that I actively try and pursue no, but if the right woman did come around well then I would be interested in going for a relationship including sex with that woman. I think sexuality is one thing in life that may not be as solid as certain other things like Race. You don't choose your race and you don't choose your sexuality but I think for some people it is a fluid scale. There are periods of time where people "experiment" and that is fine. There are people who never want to go out side of their set way either Homo or hetero, but to say ALL people must fit in one of 3 boxes is BULLSHIT. I will have consensual legal sex with who ever I want, be it men,women,or transsexuals. I don't care I will do what I want and I won't let some label tell me who I can love and have sex with. And for the last term Pansexual, this is falling in love with the person no matter their gender or gender identity, they love the soul not the packaging is how I like to think about it. All of these are acceptable it doesn't have to be as cut and dry as gay or straight there are many different shades in the rainbow and we all need to learn how to accept that.  I think as long as sex takes place between 2 (maybe more) sane consensual adults let it go. Let your freak flag fly.

Thinking of the past and future

So you know when you are on a precipice staring over the edge and you know that soon you will be on the other side after you leap. That's me on so many levels right now. I am moving from Upstate NY to NYC in a week. I am looking over the edge staring at a landscape full of giant buildings and millions of people. I am looking back and looking at the faces and events that have led me to where I am.  I have been back and forth to hell multiple times in 4 yrs. But those fires of hell only tempered me and made me as strong as I am today. But it's not the hell or the happiness I am remembering right now, it's each and every person who has gotten me to where I am. From friends to enemies, to enemies who I thought were friends and was wrong but those scars have healed and I really don't care about them. My moving in becoming very bitter sweet. Knowing that the people I care about will be here and I have to make more connections. Now this may sound easy, but for me connections aren't easily made. I have some social anxiety and borderline personality which makes any type of relationship difficult. I have been living with two roommates for a couple of months and they have been HUGE supports for me and I am scared to leave that behind. My former coworkers and my current coworkers who have been there to support me some for years. I want to leave and have been trying to get to the big city for 4 yrs and now that it is actually happening I am terrified and I am doubting myself. Especially as of late my meds and moods have been all over the map and I have been leaning on these people and now they may be there by phone, or text, or facebook, but they cannot give me a hug or a look that says it's gonna be ok. I know I have to do this I have to find ME. I Have to be strong, but how can I be strong and push on when I am just getting my feet back on the ground. I need this but that doesn't make it a whole lot easier. As I stated before I have been exploring the world of kink and fetishes and NYC has so many more opportunities to find like minded people and really be out of the sight of my family's eyes to really explore what I want and with whom I want to be with.  I have to consider myself more homoflexbile than anything else right now. But that can be a later post. I just think that NYC is the place for me but with that being said I will be out to sail on a very little boat in a very big ocean with me the only crew to start. I have a ship here, it is large beautiful and staffed with family and friends who are right there for me. Now I've jumped ship and am off to sail on my own and frankly I am scared SHITLESS.

Does it make me a bad person if I never want power, but am close to the people with power. The best example I can give is my job there are several levels of management Top down Director--> Ops Manager---> shift manager--> supervisors---> specialists.  I fall into the last category. Now one thing I am really good friends with one supervisor, have know each other for the better part of 10 yrs, the rest I had never met. Within a year and a half I have made very good connections with these supervisors and it's to the point where they tell me their thoughts and feelings about other supervisors and management and all sorts of things a specialist shouldn't necessarily know or be privy to. It's great because I just be me...I am not a kiss ass or brown noser, I work hard and do my job well and over time have formed relationships. But I don't want the power I just want to be cozy to those in power, it gives me a sense of pride that I know things that others don't rather that be good bad or indifferent, I know it and the other don't. What does that say about me?

Get me off this ride.
I want to get down
get off and run fat far away.
But the ride keeps going
around and around
and up and down.

The roller coaster won't stop
The harder I fight the faster we go.
One minute I'm high
The next I'm free falling
Unable to stop
Unable to scream

Trapped on this hellish ride
Will I ever be free?

This is what my life feels like right not between hypo-manic and depressed to the great mixed state.
This one really sucks, the mixed state- I'm depressed but the thoughts won't stop. I have plans and ideas but no energy to do them. I try and sleep and only get a few hours, so I'm even more tired and agitated. I want to crawl out of my own skin. I want to run away and leave this shit behind me for ever, but it is more than just a shadow it is a part of me. A dark and dangerous place in my head that I fight each and everyday but the battle is getting harder, the fights are getting longer and I just don't have the energy. The support I have seems to be failing and falling from my side. So here we go fill me up for another day and hope I can make it through. The armor is chipping and starting to fail but I must fight on for me and my future I must keep pushing and keep fighting. So here we go again...

Posted this back in October on FB, but it still holds true except I am now 26-

Dear Universe,

Can you please do me a solid and maybe drop of a map of my life from here until maybe 25 yrs from now, I don't want to be greedy and say until I die because ya know I still want some surprise, but it would be really truly helpful to get a bit of information about your plans for me. And I know I believe in science and not fate or destiny but since science hasn't figure that one out yet (and a few other things I'd really like them to come up with ie: light sabers, super powers, learning through osmosis, ya know minor things, but I digress) Annnyway, as I was saying I don't need a day to day map like you will have this cereal for breakfast but really ya know just major things, just so I have a heads up because I think it would be helpful to nudge me in one direction or another because I feel a bit like I'm floating in a boundless ocean in a little row boat and I'd really like to start rowing toward something, some new exciting adventure, either professionally, personally, or just something that makes me want to jump out of bed every morning. So if we could get on that map business, or maybe a compass (like Jack Sparrow's) I'd be good with that too. I just need something to point me in some sort of direction or at least tell me if I'm warm, (again hot/cold game is a reasonable compromise). So to review Universe, I'd just like to be clear I'd like either a map, compass, hot/cold game or any other way for you to say "Hey Idiot choose this direction" or "Hey, yeah that way is full of bad decisions and consequences." (neon signs work well for this, btw, or shiny objects, cause who doesn't like shiny objects?) But yes to conclude Universe I would really like some sort of cosmic guidance in some physical tangible form would be preferred but I would also accept a pdf. or word file downloaded onto my computer in a secure way so if inevitably when I received it my computer would crash, so I'd like to have it so it can't be erased. But those are what I would like for my up coming birthday next week (hint, hint, nudge nudge). So I'd like to thank you for your time and consideration on this matter Universe, I look forward to hearing from you, and I'd be willing to negotiate terms, (I am running out of paired organs to offer but I'll figure it out). Thank you again.

Sincerely,

A semi-fustrated soon to be 26 yr old

Wrote this a few weeks ago:

Freedom

As I stand here stoic and strong

looking down at the people below

I can see them going about to and fro

Living their lives to the fullest each day

Here I stand on a pillar so tall

Really hoping not to fall

As I look again I can see the faces:

Mom's and Dad's look up with joy to see their son standing so stoic and strong

The crown they adorned me with sits on top my head

"That's my son" my mom says as each person that passes,

with tears of joy filling up her eyes.

Telling anyone who will listen the story of how I got way up here.

I was sick as a kid and have had struggles galore

And now here I stand facing one more.

Now being the golden boy may sound fun

But all I really wish is that I could run.

See as I stand here looking down

The one thing that plays in my head "I hope I don't fall"

When anointed the golden boy as a child it's fun and games, but then the pillar starts to grow.

Each time you beat the odds it gets taller still.

Standing up here the air is thin

and this crown weighing heavily on my head.

But carry on I must,

cause I can't let the down.

Their pride and joy stand shining so bright.

But all I really want is just one night.

One single night full of adventures.

One magic moment where I find my prince charming.

One night where my crown grows dim and he gets to see the me within.

One night full of sheer unadulterated bliss

and it would end with one final kiss

But no here I stand stoic and strong

holding their hope that I won't fall

For temptations in life maybe sweet,

but they can lead to a bitter defeat.

For not only do I see the face of my family and friends,

But also the ones who would like my reign to end.

Those who are jealous of what I have, those who hate me just for who and what I am.

They crowd the base of my pillar watching for the slightest twinge.

They hope and dream that one day I'll fall

So maybe that wouldn't be so bad after all

Relinquish my crown

and hop on down

touching down on the ground, their feast will begin

So getting down wouldn't be wise.

So here I am all alone, no further up to

but no way down.

Then something catches my eye.

A bird so tiny it's difficult to see

But whose wings are mighty as can be

He floats and flitters around my face

Singing and squawking at quiet the pace

This only last a moment or less

Then he decides to take his leave

Just as quick as quick can be

As I watch him fly and soar

I finally know what I am wishing for

I want to take flight and leave this place.

Not go down and not give up

But freedom from the prying eyes

to be able to trip and not be mocked

To learn about life and not be locked

To feel truly free is just my wish

But I'm still here feeling so sad

Because I can't disappoint my mom and my dad.

So I shall remain here standing ever so tall

Keeping focused whilst still trying not to fall

Who am I?

So this is my first blog and I am using this to express myself. This will be a safe place where if you want to share please feel free. I'd love to be able to talk to people who are struggling with similar issues and have discussions about them.

So let me start with a few facts about me:

26 yr old male, who is still struggling with sexual identity issues, who has found some sexual liberation by finding the world of fetishes/kink.

Childhood cancer survivor

Bipolar, OCD, Borderline Personality Disorder, and Anxiety (Yeah sounds fun right)

Attempting to get into grad school and moving to NYC to do it.

Dysfunctional family drama

So please feel free to share your struggles/experiences with any of these. This is meant to be fun and a release, so yes there will be serious topics but it won't be all serious all the time...so anecdotes, jokes, puns, and pretty much anything else.

I'm an avid reader, TV/hulu/Netflix addict, love Broadway show. So any suggestions for any of these things are always welcome. :)

So please sit back, buckle up, and prepare to join me on the roller coaster that is my life.   Comment responsibly, HATE has no place here.