Get me off this ride.
I want to get down
get off and run fat far away.
But the ride keeps going
around and around
and up and down.

The roller coaster won't stop
The harder I fight the faster we go.
One minute I'm high
The next I'm free falling
Unable to stop
Unable to scream

Trapped on this hellish ride
Will I ever be free?

This is what my life feels like right not between hypo-manic and depressed to the great mixed state.
This one really sucks, the mixed state- I'm depressed but the thoughts won't stop. I have plans and ideas but no energy to do them. I try and sleep and only get a few hours, so I'm even more tired and agitated. I want to crawl out of my own skin. I want to run away and leave this shit behind me for ever, but it is more than just a shadow it is a part of me. A dark and dangerous place in my head that I fight each and everyday but the battle is getting harder, the fights are getting longer and I just don't have the energy. The support I have seems to be failing and falling from my side. So here we go fill me up for another day and hope I can make it through. The armor is chipping and starting to fail but I must fight on for me and my future I must keep pushing and keep fighting. So here we go again...

Posted this back in October on FB, but it still holds true except I am now 26-

Dear Universe,

Can you please do me a solid and maybe drop of a map of my life from here until maybe 25 yrs from now, I don't want to be greedy and say until I die because ya know I still want some surprise, but it would be really truly helpful to get a bit of information about your plans for me. And I know I believe in science and not fate or destiny but since science hasn't figure that one out yet (and a few other things I'd really like them to come up with ie: light sabers, super powers, learning through osmosis, ya know minor things, but I digress) Annnyway, as I was saying I don't need a day to day map like you will have this cereal for breakfast but really ya know just major things, just so I have a heads up because I think it would be helpful to nudge me in one direction or another because I feel a bit like I'm floating in a boundless ocean in a little row boat and I'd really like to start rowing toward something, some new exciting adventure, either professionally, personally, or just something that makes me want to jump out of bed every morning. So if we could get on that map business, or maybe a compass (like Jack Sparrow's) I'd be good with that too. I just need something to point me in some sort of direction or at least tell me if I'm warm, (again hot/cold game is a reasonable compromise). So to review Universe, I'd just like to be clear I'd like either a map, compass, hot/cold game or any other way for you to say "Hey Idiot choose this direction" or "Hey, yeah that way is full of bad decisions and consequences." (neon signs work well for this, btw, or shiny objects, cause who doesn't like shiny objects?) But yes to conclude Universe I would really like some sort of cosmic guidance in some physical tangible form would be preferred but I would also accept a pdf. or word file downloaded onto my computer in a secure way so if inevitably when I received it my computer would crash, so I'd like to have it so it can't be erased. But those are what I would like for my up coming birthday next week (hint, hint, nudge nudge). So I'd like to thank you for your time and consideration on this matter Universe, I look forward to hearing from you, and I'd be willing to negotiate terms, (I am running out of paired organs to offer but I'll figure it out). Thank you again.

Sincerely,

A semi-fustrated soon to be 26 yr old

Wrote this a few weeks ago:

Freedom

As I stand here stoic and strong

looking down at the people below

I can see them going about to and fro

Living their lives to the fullest each day

Here I stand on a pillar so tall

Really hoping not to fall

As I look again I can see the faces:

Mom's and Dad's look up with joy to see their son standing so stoic and strong

The crown they adorned me with sits on top my head

"That's my son" my mom says as each person that passes,

with tears of joy filling up her eyes.

Telling anyone who will listen the story of how I got way up here.

I was sick as a kid and have had struggles galore

And now here I stand facing one more.

Now being the golden boy may sound fun

But all I really wish is that I could run.

See as I stand here looking down

The one thing that plays in my head "I hope I don't fall"

When anointed the golden boy as a child it's fun and games, but then the pillar starts to grow.

Each time you beat the odds it gets taller still.

Standing up here the air is thin

and this crown weighing heavily on my head.

But carry on I must,

cause I can't let the down.

Their pride and joy stand shining so bright.

But all I really want is just one night.

One single night full of adventures.

One magic moment where I find my prince charming.

One night where my crown grows dim and he gets to see the me within.

One night full of sheer unadulterated bliss

and it would end with one final kiss

But no here I stand stoic and strong

holding their hope that I won't fall

For temptations in life maybe sweet,

but they can lead to a bitter defeat.

For not only do I see the face of my family and friends,

But also the ones who would like my reign to end.

Those who are jealous of what I have, those who hate me just for who and what I am.

They crowd the base of my pillar watching for the slightest twinge.

They hope and dream that one day I'll fall

So maybe that wouldn't be so bad after all

Relinquish my crown

and hop on down

touching down on the ground, their feast will begin

So getting down wouldn't be wise.

So here I am all alone, no further up to

but no way down.

Then something catches my eye.

A bird so tiny it's difficult to see

But whose wings are mighty as can be

He floats and flitters around my face

Singing and squawking at quiet the pace

This only last a moment or less

Then he decides to take his leave

Just as quick as quick can be

As I watch him fly and soar

I finally know what I am wishing for

I want to take flight and leave this place.

Not go down and not give up

But freedom from the prying eyes

to be able to trip and not be mocked

To learn about life and not be locked

To feel truly free is just my wish

But I'm still here feeling so sad

Because I can't disappoint my mom and my dad.

So I shall remain here standing ever so tall

Keeping focused whilst still trying not to fall