Thinking of the past and future

So you know when you are on a precipice staring over the edge and you know that soon you will be on the other side after you leap. That's me on so many levels right now. I am moving from Upstate NY to NYC in a week. I am looking over the edge staring at a landscape full of giant buildings and millions of people. I am looking back and looking at the faces and events that have led me to where I am.  I have been back and forth to hell multiple times in 4 yrs. But those fires of hell only tempered me and made me as strong as I am today. But it's not the hell or the happiness I am remembering right now, it's each and every person who has gotten me to where I am. From friends to enemies, to enemies who I thought were friends and was wrong but those scars have healed and I really don't care about them. My moving in becoming very bitter sweet. Knowing that the people I care about will be here and I have to make more connections. Now this may sound easy, but for me connections aren't easily made. I have some social anxiety and borderline personality which makes any type of relationship difficult. I have been living with two roommates for a couple of months and they have been HUGE supports for me and I am scared to leave that behind. My former coworkers and my current coworkers who have been there to support me some for years. I want to leave and have been trying to get to the big city for 4 yrs and now that it is actually happening I am terrified and I am doubting myself. Especially as of late my meds and moods have been all over the map and I have been leaning on these people and now they may be there by phone, or text, or facebook, but they cannot give me a hug or a look that says it's gonna be ok. I know I have to do this I have to find ME. I Have to be strong, but how can I be strong and push on when I am just getting my feet back on the ground. I need this but that doesn't make it a whole lot easier. As I stated before I have been exploring the world of kink and fetishes and NYC has so many more opportunities to find like minded people and really be out of the sight of my family's eyes to really explore what I want and with whom I want to be with.  I have to consider myself more homoflexbile than anything else right now. But that can be a later post. I just think that NYC is the place for me but with that being said I will be out to sail on a very little boat in a very big ocean with me the only crew to start. I have a ship here, it is large beautiful and staffed with family and friends who are right there for me. Now I've jumped ship and am off to sail on my own and frankly I am scared SHITLESS.