Obedience
is defined as compliance with an order, request or law; or submission to
another’s authority. Obedience can occur on a variety of different levels from
a very broad general scale to a much more personal and intimate level. An example of large scale obedience would be
looking at society as a whole, most people are obedient on some level rather it
be to the laws of their country, state, or even religion. These people are not obedient to a specific
person, they do not report their infractions to anyone person in particular,
though there are people who do enforce these laws, such as police and other
government agencies. But unless you are caught and charged with the crime or
out of guilt you confess your crimes there is very little chance that you are
of facing punishment. If you look at
most people while they follow the major rules we all break a law at some point,
rather it be as a kid stealing candy from the local corner shop or as an adult
breaking a speed limit, we don’t see these as major infractions because we
don’t see the consequences as real and therefore if there is no damage or
injury we see ourselves as obedient. On
the other end of the spectrum is a person being obedient to another person.
This may sound like it would be easy but it actually is very complex because of
the many different facets each relationship has. In almost every single relationship there is
some form of obedience observed, rather that is seen in the relationship of a
child following orders from a parent to a person listening to their husband or
wife. We are going to look into the
obedience seen in a relationship where love and sex are involved, because this
is one of the most complicated but also one of the mosrt rewarding life experiences.
In
every relationship no matter how equal the power balance may seem to the rest
of the world there is some sort of power that one person hold over the
other. This I not meant to insinuate a
black mail or extortion idea that one person is being held in the relationship
but one person usually does hold a little more power. This may seem cynical and sound scary but
some people have already given up some power and they have not even noticed
it. One thing that most people say is
that opposites attract, and one reason this occurs is because of power. If you look at a majority of couples you will
notice that there is one person who is relaxed and can roll with the punches
and the other is the person who schedules every minute of every day. They need
each other to survive they depend on each other, maybe one person really
doesn’t care what they have for dinner each night so they offer that power up
to the other person. This is a small way
that this person is obedient because they depend on the other person providing
the dinner they don’t complain about it because they know if they do they will
not eat. I’m not saying that these two should be on completely different pages
about life styles and that either should abuses the other’s personality, but
there should be some sort of middle ground in these relationships. But if you look at two people who have very
similar personalities this is where problems begin to arise. If you have two people who are naturally high
strung people, this relationship will be littered with fights and arguments because
they both want to assert their dominance over the other. At the same time neither will want to back
down from the other because they don’t want to show weakness. On the flip side if you have two people who
are both very carefree there is tension in these relationships as well. Now you may think what could two people who
are carefree possibly have to argue about, well maybe they yearn for someone to
put that structure in their lives. They
might need a person who lights a fire under them to get them motivated for
life. Another common relationship that
is tumultuous is a relationship where one or both don’t know what role the fit
into. This cause friction because they
aren’t sure where they fit into the relationship and they don’t understand what
they want or what they need. If one
person enters the relationship believing that they are going to be the dominant
personality in the relationship and then they begin to be eclipsed by the other
they may end up with hurt feeling and feel resentful of the other person, causing
catastrophic results. These people may
not be sure how to try and regain their dominance so they may lash out after they
have let these feeling fester for a long time.
This can cause extreme rage and the slightest thing may set them off and
they will explode and destroy the relationship.
When
looking at obedience in the BDSM culture I believe that these are actually very
healthy relationships. People may think
that because of kinks and different fetishes that they possess they are wrapped
and unhealthy but I disagree with these thoughts. People don’t understand that one person’s
kink is the same as another and everyone has their limits, but outside of kinks
and fetishes these relationships are very “normal”. I assert that they are actually healthier
that most of America. One of the most
important things that begins and BDSM relationship is a contract and checklist.
Now I know people might think well that seems cold and distant and not a good
start to romantic relationship but I actually think it is a brilliant way to
start. Like in most standard legal
contacts the contract is a document that states what each party is responsible
for and what is expect to be done or not done by both. In BDSM contracts they also cover limits of
each person in the relationship, not to say that these limits may evolve or
regress over time as they grow together in the relationship. Again like in corporate life when entering
drawing up the contracts and making negotiations both parties are on equal ground,
each person has the power to say “yes”, “no” or somewhere in between. During
the negotiations is where the power exchange begins. The submissive begins to willingly give up
their power to the dominant. They at this point begin to say this is what I am
willing to submit to or what they will not submit to. These negotiations are a
vital part of the relationship because it states that from the time we sign the
contract I am handing over the power agreed upon in the contracts and I will
obey without argument or question, and will do it willingly. Now being obedient to a Master does not mean
you through your entire being out and follow blindly. If you have questions or
concerns these should be addressed. This
is what for the negotiations are for so that the submissive can say take me to
this point and no further and the dominant will understand and lead them as far
as they want to go. If the dominant takes them down a certain path and the
submissive decided that they have reached their end point this should be
accepted by the dominant. If they get to a point where they are comfortable and
want to push further than if the dominant agrees they should take their
submissive to that point. Once the negotiations are over the contract is signed
the dominant officially become the Dominate in the relationship and the
submissive becomes the submissive. This
works because the both parties know what has been agreed upon and what is
expect of both of them. They have also
laid out what occurs if either of them breaks the contract. For submissives
there is usually some sort of punishment involved, rather that is a
physical or emotional punishment will have already been agreed upon. Again people may be offended by this concept
how could consenting adults enter a world where they may be punished if they
break rules, but in truth every person in a relationship faces this but the
difference is that a submissive will know exactly why they are being
punished. Everybody in a relationship
will punish their partner at some point in the relationship, if that mean that
they use the most common weapon, the silent treatment or withholding sex. These
are all forms of punishment but the difference is if the submissive knows
exactly what offense they have committed and it doesn’t become a guessing
game. They won’t have to try and guess
why is my loved one mad or sad. This is eliminated by the contract and the
submissives willingness to obey it and by being punished and knowing what thye
are being punished for actually is healthy, due to the fact that it allows them
to grow so they don’t repeat the offense.
Think back to childhood if a child says a bad word and the parent gets
mad and employs the silent treatment what is that going to accomplish. But if
you put soap in the same child’s mouth I bet they won’t repeat the word because
they will remember the punishment. Now by no way am I advocating abusing anyone
children or your partner but if it is agreed upon at the beginning of the
relationship and there are boundaries on how far these punishments are allowed
to go I believe they are an important role in obedience and relationships.
Another
way the contract serves in a BDSM relationship is it forces what most couples
would say are the awkward conversations into the beginning of the relationship
and not 6 months down the road when you want to move in together. Communication is the most important thing in
any relationship, and I mean any relationship romantic or otherwise. The
contract forces both parties to open up and start on a solid foundation. Everyone comes with some sort of baggage from
their past and this contract forces these issues into the open so they can be
dealt with. This is important for both parties
but I believe more so for the submissives in the relationships because they
want to serve their Masters to the best of their abilities and if they can’t
serve or won’t serve the relationship will not work. They must be obedient from
the beginning for the duration of the relationship.
Now
while it seems like I have essentially made the submissive to seem like an
object to be owned and used by the dominant and the dominant holds all of the
power in these relationships, this is actually completely false. While this may be part of the foundation of
the relationship and what most people picture in Dom/sub relationships this
could not be further from the truth.
Though it seems from everything I have stated that the submissive is the
one in total obedience actually the dominant is just as obedient to the
submissive. Again both of them have
entered into the contract so they must obey what the contracts outlines for
them. Rather that it be that they will be the provider for the relationship or
any other arrangement made in the contract.
Also the submissive hold the true power in any scene in the use of a
safe word. The safe word is a word
agreed upon both parties that if use the scene will cease at that very
moment. The dominant must obey the use
of this word, if not they are violating their contract and they wind up
jeopardizing their entire relationship.
The safe word is a submissive’s way of trusting their Dominant to not go
beyond their limits and if they fail to comply they destroy that trust. This means that though in most aspects of
life the submissive is the one who is obedient to the dominant in these
circumstances it is actually a role reversal and the submissive holds the power
card. A dominant must also remember that
they must be obedient to their submissive in respect of health. Not just in the
most broad and obvious of sexual health, but also their overall physical and
mental health. A good dominant is aware
of how far he or she can push their submissives both physically and
mentally. If they push too hard to fast
they may break their submissive, they must know their submissive and know their
tolerance for each aspect of training.
So again the dominant is actually being obedient to their submissive
because they care for them and their overall health and happiness. The last power that the submissive holds over
their dominant is the ability to leave the relationship. If the submissive does not feel like they are
being fulfilled in any way they always have the right to walk away at any
point. A Dominant never want to lose a
slave so they will do their best to make sure that the submissive is happy and
healthy and won’t leave them, again making the Dominant the one who is being
obedient to the submissive.
So as
silly as this may sound neither party actually holds all the power in the
relationship. Both parties are actually not only being obedient to each other
but the contract. This contract keeps
both parties in check and obedient to something greater than themselves, this
ensures that they are obedient to each other and their relationship. So while
people may see these relationships as one person handing over every ounce of
their power to the other person this is not actually the case, it is about
being obedient to each other and it is a truly special relationship between dominant
and submissive because they are both willing to give something up for each
other. A Dom/sub relationship is very
complex at best but it is actually very beautiful display of love and caring
for each other. These relationships are not just a signed contract saying “yes
to this” and “no to that” it is a living, breathing, evolving expression of
love between people. Handing over
control to another person is not something that should be decided on a whim but
something that you truly think about and planned out. But it can also be very
beautiful and rewarding for both people involved.
No please let me stress these are my views and please please please DON'T DO ANYTHING YOU DON'T WANT. This is a path I have chosen to explore. Remember to be sane safe and consensual :)
